DUNIA Magazine

This is a topic that I can especially relate to, as I was often guilty of attempting to use love relationships to “complete” me. Yet, I never succeeded in obtaining complete fulfillment from a love relationship alone. In the past, I never wanted to be single because I was so insecure with myself. What I’ve learned from this experience and a decision I eventually made to be a better ‘me’ molded me into a different person from who I was 7 years ago. My heart goes out to my single ladies who are still in this dark place I once was. Sharing my mistakes and the choice I made to overcome the myths of being single is my way of trying to have my friends avoid the mistakes I made.

Here are some tips to deliver you from the myths about being single.

1. First, accept the fact that you can’t change people, you can only change yourself.

This is the most important principle that most people still struggle with every day. I had to learn it the hard way myself. Who ever told you that you could change another person lied terribly. We live in a world of “choice”. Every one makes the choice of how they are going to act and we can’t do anything about that. We do however have the power to change “self”. It all starts with a decision. Our actions do speak volumes and sometimes move those around us to want to change too. I advise that the first thing we ought to do while we are single is to accept the fact that we can’t change anyone but ourselves.

2. Forgiving yourself and forgiving those who hurt you.

After accepting you can’t change your ex, you ought to forgive them and let go. Forgiving means they might not deserve it but you do it because you need to move on without that baggage. You might not be able to forget but you have to forgive. If you can’t forgive, how do you expect to be forgiven?

3. Learn from your mistakes. Start working on your weaknesses.

Bravo! Now that you have forgiven, you must be feeling better and ready to figure out the mistakes you made. What could you have done to make this work? What did you not do? Check yourself for things or habits that may not be appealing to a mate. As you identify you mistakes, start actively working to improve yourself. Make the decision “I want to be the best I can be”. I want to attract and not repel. Consciously work to improve yourself day by day. Remember, mistakes are not there to break you but to build you.

4. Breaking the age ’30’ myth.

By now, almost every body knows that you are single again. They are judging you. You are even scared to go out. I used to lock myself up for weeks in my apartment in Germany with my phone off to avoid people judging me. One of the “age 30” myths is starting to hit you hard at this point. If you are under 30 years old, you are questioning yourself: will I be married by 30 years?  If you are above 30, you are freaking out under pressure saying to yourself “My time is running out!” I want you to know today, age 30 can be the year where you make the best turn around decisions in your life. Not because you are out of the market (especially for the women), but because it is time to make choices that will change the rest on your life forever.

5. Keep yourself busy.

With the pressure on you, you probably want to get right back into another relationship like I always did. You end up out as quickly as you got in. Doing this was my way of filling the void of the past relationship. And I still blame what I like to call “Mr. Idleness” to a greater extend for that. There is a saying that goes “the idle mind is the devil’s workshop”. Keep yourself busy, exercise, educate yourself, take walks and keep yourself beautiful as you self renew.

6. Don’t compare yourself to your peers. You are unique!

If there is one thing you should take from this article, it’s this: none of your five fingers are the same. It goes same with people. No two people or circumstances are the same. So why would you want to be like someone else during this period? Stop looking for escape routes. Remember that you are still working on the mistakes that brought you to where you are.

7. Now, it’s time to get to know YOU… What do I really want?

It’s amazing how many people don’t know what they want. That alone is a recipe for disaster. If you don’t know what you want in a relationship then you are setting yourself up for anything. “Anything” is what brought you here. This is not the time to go for anything to fill up space. This is the time to dig deep and figure out how you really want to feel in a relationship and what qualities of a partner you are looking for. These two things will become the checks when you are ready for a relationship again. Take your time and write them down.

8. Learn to love your self … if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else.

Now is the time to develop love for you. Yes, you did just read that, read it again! Let me ask you, if you can’t stand to be alone with yourself, how can you expect someone to love being alone with you? If you work on No. 3, you will soon begin to feel good about yourself. You must work steadily and consistently and find yourself at a higher level of self-esteem. You’ll know that you are ready, when you can answer my previous question with absolute confidence that anyone would be blessed to be in your presence. If your answer has any uncertainty in it, spend more time with No. 3. Could you spend the rest of your life alone with yourself? Believing in yourself and accepting the fact that being prepared to be single is actually preparation for being in a long lasting love relationship. This will enable you to live a fulfilled single life and a fulfilled life in a love relationship. You are going to be complete in any relationship you eventually get into, not the other way around.

9. Now, accept your partner with an open mind.

Most of the time we make too many guidelines of how we want to meet “the one” as if we have control over everything. When I gave up on my ability to change others and control of circumstances, and started focusing on changing me, my life changed drastically; good stuff navigated to me. I personally met my husband of 4 and ½ years online. An open mind with confidence about yourself is all you need at this stage. You could meet him/her at the grocery store, while catching the bus, at work. The question is are you ready? Is your mind free enough to notice?

10. When you meet someone, don’t claim them as “the One” before you get to know them.

If you have been patient enough until this point, then this is the time to even be more patient. I was mostly moved by looks and ignored the most vital aspect, which is the inner being.

At this stage, looks count but what matters most is the inner attraction. Give yourself some time to get to know this person. Check them against the list you created in tip No. 7. There is a reason why the list was done long before now. Be honest with yourself. Remember, you can’t change them. What you see is what you are going to get. Now ask yourself the famous question. Could you live the rest of your life with them?  If No, don’t give in. Take your time and free your mind to meet other people. If Yes, then throw away the list you created in tip No. 7 because you surely have someone worth opening your heart to and working with.

At this point, I can only wish you the best. Keep the faith!

I sincerely hope this helps!  Remember to leave your feedback and personal questions.

Also by Irene Mangem: 5 ways to win your partners heart