I am Muslim, but a Woman and Mother first: Amouna Saleh, Senegalese
Column: The Women’s Column
Following her husband’s desire to explore other territories outside of their country Senegal, specifically for a shot at the famous “American Dream”, Amouna made the big move from Senegal, West Africa, to the USA; leaving behind the family she had grown up with, a job she enjoyed and the good life of elite Africans with “bodyguards, housemaids, and other helpers” at her disposal.
It was 1993, her first stop: New York. At the Big Apple, Amouna’s incredible American experience would begin – a language she didn’t fully understand (French is her first language), a low paying job and bills they could barely meet up with.
“I really never wanted to leave home.” Amouna recalls how reluctant she was to leave Senegal in the first place, mainly because she felt she really did not have to. They were comfortable and relatively privileged. Her husband was closely related to the president of Senegal. She did have a job, not because she had to, but because she chose to – a decision that instilled in her a work ethic that would prove to be her life saver several years later…Meanwhile, objecting to her husband’s decision to move was really not an option, mainly because Amouna’s values are very much shaped by her religion – Islam; which requires women to generally submit to their husbands.
My American Journey
A few months after landing in the US, her husband’s job took the family to Massachusetts. Life was different and getting better. After about 7 years, another company move brought them to Georgia in 2003. Then, without warning, the company went under and suddenly both Amouna and the husband (now working with same company) found themselves without a job and 4 kids to raise. Like everyone else, the family struggled, but somehow survived. At the back of her mind was the nagging feeling that they should never have left Senegal. But she had embraced life here and was giving it her best.
Four years later in 2007, her husband was forced to leave the country due to reasons beyond control. At age 40 Amouna could not understand this free-fall. If anything, her projections were that things had to be getting a lot better, not going down hill. Here she was ‘single’ again, career-less, 4 kids (the youngest less than one year old), no family support — and one paycheck away from homelessness. It was time to dig deep.
Difficult decisions
The breakup of her family unit was particularly tough – emotionally, mentally and financially. She was now mommy and daddy and the sole provider for her children. Faced with difficult choices, her heart ached as she was forced to make one of the hardest decisions any mother ever has to make – to send her youngest child (still a toddler) back home to her parents where he would receive the loving care he needed as a baby from those closest to her while she focused on getting the other 3 – of school age – situated and also finding her feet. It was heart breaking, “but it’ll only be for a few years,” she said to herself.
Rising again
Amouna threw herself into work, doing anything ‘job’ she could lay hands on. She wasn’t looking back; she was determined to provide for her children. The one thing that she wanted to do was learn and grow. She took her work as an aide and a driver seriously, and she learned from her boss. Ambitious and driven, she gave her best and worked hard. Nothing was going to stop her. Some years later, there would be an opening for a managerial position in her company — having showed that she had a solid work ethic and good attitude, the company trained her and she was awarded that position. More than anything else, this meant a better life for her kids and more family time.
Integrity and dignity in adversity
“Last year, I lost my best friend, my advisor, he was very dear to me and taught me everything I know,” Amouna recollects of her Dad. “He showed me that a woman does not have to wait for a man to do everything for her, that’s why in my difficult times, although it could have been easier just to find a man to rely on, I chose not to. Actually, I didn’t even entertain the idea. Daddy always told me that if a man provides for everything, he wouldn’t have as much respect for you. He used to say, ‘go to school, get an education, work and then you can think about men (in that order)’.” When things got particularly hard, his words kept her going.
“I could not have made it if it wasn’t for my family’s support, their prayers and my faith.”
As I listened to Amouna speak for this piece, it was obvious to me that she draws her strength from her faith. It prompted me to inquire about how she practices Islam in Atlanta.
The main difference, she pointed out, is that in Senegal – which is dominantly Muslim – while at work, she was free to break as many times as needed for prayers and to honor important holidays. As an employee with lots of responsibilities, she just can’t do that here.
The other aspect that is frustrating to her, though just mildly, is the fact that her Arabic name tends to draw attention to her, for example, she gets scrutinized a little bit more when she is making money transactions in and out of the country.
She also wishes she’d had more time to provide her children with a more solid grounding in the Islamic faith and values to guide them in life. However with more time and finances at her disposal now, she’s been able to enroll them in Koran school – a great accomplishment she laughs happily about as she talks.
Islam and polygamy
As one that is not familiar with the Muslim faith, I wanted to learn from the source about perceptions of a Muslim woman on the matter of polygamy and faith, especially coming from a society like Senegal where that is accepted, to one where it still raises eyebrows. Amouna then informed me that back in 2000, during one of his trips home to Senegal, her husband had married a second wife — information he kept hidden from her, but which she found out through the grapevine.
Although a devout Muslim, Amouna doesn’t approve of polygamy and doubts that many Muslim women do, although they accept and live with it. “Who wants to share her man with another woman?” she asked, laughing. “It affects not just the women, children are affected as well.” Her children have not had to deal with polygamy at close range; they haven’t had to live in the same home with the second wife and step siblings.
Suddenly, it strikes me that Amouna is basically a single parent facing the same dilemma that most single parents do. She is sacrificing her needs, in order to give the best to her children.Throughout our conversation Amouna is somewhat conflicted about the relationship that she has with her husband of several years. Oftentimes she refers to him in the past and at other times in the present.
“Do you consider yourself married?” I asked
“I don’t think about it much. In fact, I have been too busy being the Mom and the Dad to have time to think about ‘me’,” she said.
“Yes sometimes it gets lonely as a woman and it is especially hard to raise teenage kids by myself and I wish their Dad was here to help in that sense, but he is not and won’t be, so I don’t dwell too much on those thoughts,” she says. “I don’t want to date, I don’t even want to think about it, my children tell me that I should go out more but it is hard to leave them alone. Whenever I am out (which is rarely) to have fun, I can’t stop worrying about them. I want to give them my best and give them all the time they deserve and in all that, there is no time, nor room for a man”.
In a lighter Mood…
“What shocked you when you first got here?” I asked, about the differences and similarities between the American and Senegalese cultures in her opinion.
“Cockroaches and rats!” she laughed.“I was shocked to see cockroaches, even bigger than those back home … and those huge rats! I couldn’t believe my eyes.”
She had expected the New York she saw on TV with towering buildings, beautiful parks, and big highways. She was also surprised by the number of homeless people in the streets; she wondered why in the great land of America people had nowhere to go, especially the elderly. “I know we have homeless people at home but not older folks- they live with their kids and grandchildren, they always have family around”.
“I was also surprised by the way women dress here, especially older women,” she recalls. “In my country the way a woman dresses shows who she is. Older women are not supposed to expose sensual parts of their bodies; you are supposed to dress with dignity and learn to respect yourself. I can’t help it as I learn more about the culture, to think that this is a reflection of how little some women here tend to think of themselves.”
Speaking to other Women…
“I wish I could reach all the women who see little value in an educated woman, to encourage them to go to school, get an education and make something of their lives before thinking about men.”
I found my discussion with Amouna to be very interesting, not only because of her story of survival and overcoming, but also because her emotions became my emotions. I could hear much more than she was saying. Her voice was always vibrant, full of life, sometimes laughing even as narrated some of the darkest moments she has been through. It is remarkable how she simply refused to get stuck on the road when faced with crippling difficulties.
Amouna is a mother who has had to make tough choices; she is the wife who followed her husband to support his dreams; she is an ambitious woman, determine to go further in life despite all the odds; she is the single mother putting her life on hold for her children. She is a woman unwavering in her faith and her beliefs. She is you and she is me…
Today, several years later, she holds a managerial position at a Nursing Home in Atlanta, GA; her kids are enjoying a great educational system and have a world of opportunities open to them; she makes a comfortable living, having more wants than needs. One thing is sure, this is not the last chapter of the incredible story of her life.
(First published in DUNIA print Magazine Issue 4, Column: Women’s Corner
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