My mother-in-law and I: World War III over small misunderstandings and basic differences
By Imane Fawzy Nofal
Why would anyone give to another a gift of lingerie? Seriously, isn’t that too personal? While the giver of the gift won’t be exactly asking about when you wore the lingerie and what happened afterwards, it’s a kind of interference into one’s personal space, isn’t it? Or is it a cultural thing? Yeah, it could be. Mine maybe a culture that is so pleasure and desire oriented that it doesn’t differentiate between what is proper and what is not.
I am one of those persons who does not really like people looking into my undies. Yet, I was repeatedly asked why I deviated from normal procedures and didn’t share with my female guests my new wardrobe after my marriage. The culture goes like, “… you are actually showing off how much you have spent on the new dresses, trousers, shoes … etc including lingerie.” And, I go, “get the hell out of here!”
Of course, I couldn’t say that to my mother in law who was astonished at my refusal to discuss such intimate issues with female well-wishers as I was getting married – that would be rude; yet I tried as much as I could to explain that we all have different beliefs that we adhere to. Later on, I learned that one of my friends had actually received lingerie as a gift from her mother in law and I felt, “haha, what a carefree and passionate mother she is!”
Actually, if lingerie is such a public thing, why don’t we go out in the streets in them? Or maybe we can get grooving in publicly so that everyone can have his/her take on how effective they are? Akh! Isn’t that disturbing and negatively charged, when we feel the world around is invading our privacy?
So, the lingerie issue is not the only thing my mother-in-law and I don’t see eye-to-eye with. Recently, I had my mother in law on board with us for two weeks. I have not had any serious problems with her in my marriage of four years. Pleasing her has always been a priority, mainly because I believe that no matter how old the mom is, she remains the MOTHER, a name that is sacred and worthy of love. Although I have taken it upon my shoulders to please her, it’s impossible to stop some of the interference and comments from her; to which I usually responded in a fun way.
By the end of her visit though, I realized that I had been piling up negative situations and tensions had been mounting as I shoved everything under the rug. Now, I am like an angry bull!
Regardless of who gets on your nerves and upsets you by their actions; whether it is your husband, mother in law, a friend, colleague, relative or even your child, you should always find ways to let go of the steam while maintaining your ‘self’. Yes, I can now clearly remember Freud’s defense mechanisms where our ego (conscious self) acts to defend against the id’s (inner self) conflicts. It states, “defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies brought into play by various entities to cope with reality and to maintain self-image. Healthy persons normally use different defenses throughout life … The purpose of ego defense mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety and/or social sanctions and/or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope.” (Wikpedea).
It is so interesting the different ways we individually react to relieve ourselves! “Why did I handle the situation with my mother-in-law the way I did?” I ask myself.
Quite a simple categorization for defenses can be according to George Eman Vaillant’s (1977):
- • Level I – pathological defenses (i.e. psychotic denial, delusional projection)
- • Level II – immature defenses (i.e. fantasy, projection, passive aggression, acting out)
- • Level III – neurotic defenses (i.e. intellectualization, reaction formation, dissociation, displacement, repression)
- • Level IV – mature defenses (i.e. humour, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation)
Which of these do you tend to be comfortable with? I do not mean to be too scientific but I am trying to dig deep to find mechanisms that help me go on with my life stresses. Simply put, we all encounter negative emotions and at times cannot easily get over them. We need to optimize success in our lives. We need to act like healthy adults who adopt mechanisms that enhance “pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help us to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, whilst still remaining effective.” It needs much sanity and logic from us. In a nut shell, we need to be virtuous ourselves to disregard the misdeeds of others and minimize their size and effect on us.
Imane blogs at Express It 2 Live It
Tell us: How do you handle misunderstandings with your in-laws?
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