Things Are Not Always What They Seem (Pt 3 – Life’s Crucible Moments)
EXCERPTS FROM LADY B’S DAIRIES
A crucible moment or incident can be defined as that time or incident which shaped or changed your perspective in life. For some people it is the birth of a child, the finding of a soul mate, the acquisition of property or an inheritance, the attainment of professional success, an encounter with a higher power such as the biblical story of Saul on his way to Damascus. For others it could be the death of a loved one or a near death experience. Was this Bob’s crucible moment? I don’t know. Our paths may have to cross someday for me to get the answer and until then, let’s see what happened that evening.
Continued from
Part 3: LIFE’S CRUCIBLE MOMENTS
Credit: Geotrac
Holding on to my new found courage, I began, “Sir, where are your children? Have they been here today?”
Bob answered in a rather resigned manner, “No.” Then he continued, “Do they need to be here?”
Not to sound presumptuous, (not that I think it mattered at this point) I replied, “If I were to suggest, I would say, yes. Let them come and see their mom. The last thing you would want to be faced with is the thought of ‘had I known’. They are grown enough to appreciate the totality of this moment. We actually give children very little credit for what they are able to handle. You just never know. So yes, if you have someone to bring them, I would suggest you send for them.”
I didn’t feel guilty injecting my point of view. After all, who knows why Tina has been holding out for more than 48hrs now? She may just have been waiting to say good-bye to her kids. People have recounted experiences where a dying person has strung out until they got a visit from a loved one or until a loved one left their bedside and then they gave up the ghost. Who knows, I was just doing my part as a patient advocate which is one of the duties of a nurse. Perhaps also following the golden rule of ‘doing on to others what you would want them do on to you.’
The mood in the room was getting lighter. Bob was communicating more and more. I had succeeded at least for the moment in taking the focus off the dying to the living. I even felt lighter. I thought I saw a smile twitch around Tina’s lips. May have just been my imagination but it felt better. I was now dashing back and forth between Tina’s room and my other patients’ who miraculously were less demanding that evening. Perhaps telepathically they were feeling the weight of my assignment and decided to give me a break and more time with Tina.
Meanwhile, in my absence, Bob had arranged with one of the few friends who had stuck by him throughout this ordeal to bring the kids to the hospital. I later on learned this as Bob enthusiastically filled me in with details as I came back in to the room. I could feel a sense of renewed energy. He even turned to his wife almost reassuringly, “Honey, I have sent for the kids, hang in there” Poor guy! What state in the Kobler Ross’ stages of death and dying was he in? And did it really matter?
As I moved from room to room that evening I repeated this prayer over and over for Tina, “Please God, don’t take this woman away before her kids get here.” Somehow I felt it would be unfair to them and Tina if God decided to take her before she had a chance to say, good bye. But don’t we have those chances every day? And what do we do with them? And the graces we resist? Right now I needed God to do something for this family and I was going to throw all my hopes behind the promise by God that if you ask and truly believe with all your heart, He will grant your heart’s desires.
Almost an hour had elapsed and nothing eventful was happening, I was standing by a cubby, about five rooms from Tina when I heard the elevator open. Curious to know who was coming in I took my eyes off the chart I was working on and looked down the hallway. I could quickly make out three youngsters, a boy and two girls, approaching with an older guy walking behind them. The two girls were walking side by side with their heads bowed, hands crossed over their chests and their hair held in pony-tails with curly ends; they looked a couple of years apart. The boy walking in front had one hand in his pocket; head held up high and walked with an attitude of, “I am in charge of these two girls. You will have to pass through me to get to them.” I almost smiled as I took in all these in that quick second.
I immediately determined that these were Tina’s kids. My heart skipped a beat and my thoughts which had seemed so clear a few moments before became suddenly clouded with anticipation and confusion. Before I could collect myself, they were almost at Tina’s door. In two giant strides, I closed the distance between us and landed right in front of Tina’s door blocking the entrance. I introduced myself explaining a few protocols to them. It was obvious from the attitude of the boy that he was not ready for small talk. He wanted to go in to the room behind me and attack the demon that had kept his mom away from him for so long. “Nurse, can we go in.” He asked, impatiently.
“Sure” I replied. “Your dad is inside. It is important that you go in quietly and speak softly. Your mom is very sick. Right now she is resting. There are tubes in her arms, nose mouth and bladder. These tubes deliver medicines that help with the pain.” I don’t know if they were hearing me. The girls were concentrating on the floor, their heads bowed as before, arms folded. Their brother was leaning against the cubby by the door. I was still blocking the entrance. The only one who was paying attention was the guy who had accompanied the kids.
I heard movements coming in from within and I stepped away from the door. As if answering a call from inside the kids hurried passed me. I moved to the open cubby, pulled out Tina’s chart and started to prepare for the routine duties-next med pass time and charting the event for the hour. My fingers felt numb.
Inside, audible but muffled sounds of of sobs could be heard. Then a painful shrill rang out and my heart broke. This time I did not hurry. If Tina was dead then the moment was bigger than I could fathom. Was it possible that God had actually answered my prayer by keeping Tina alive until her kids got to her? Or had Tina actually willed herself to stay alive long enough to say goodbye to her kids before passing on? Like I said, I did not hurry; I just walked in to the room with my hands in my lab jacket. Tina’s two girls were clinging to their dad on either side of him. Their brother was sprawled over their mom screaming for help. His fists were fastened on to either side of his mom’s sheets and his head was buried in between her breasts. He was almost kneeling and sitting on her bed at the same time. Their ‘uncle’ was leaning against the sink helpless. I walked out to go get the floor manager for assistance.
When we came back in to the room, still clinging to their dad, were shaking with sobs, the ‘uncle was trying hard to pull the boy off his mom. My manager approached the bed; spoke with a soft but firm voice. “Please, let us take a look at your mom. It is time for her next medicine.”
Slowly the boy relaxed his grip. Maybe it was the hope that with “her next medicine” we could make all this disappear, or maybe the decisiveness in the manager’s voice gave him hope that all was not lost. In any case, Damon, Tina’s son stood up and with a tear- stricken face, gave one last plea, “Mom, please don’t do this! We need you.” With that he gave us room.
It was only then that I noticed that Tina’s glasses were no longer on her face. They were lying by the bedside table on top of her bible. Her eyes were now fully closed. There were no more lines in her nostrils. The IV machine was off but the clock was still ticking away. Somehow I had failed to notice that my manager had been assessing for vital signs. She replaced her stethoscope in her pocket. As she led me out of the room by the elbow, I turned and looked at the clock on the wall of Tina’s room; it read: 12:15Am. I heard the unit manager whisper in my ear, “Time of death, 12:15am.” I pulled out the Body Released To form from Tina’s chart and noted, Time of death: 12:15am, Date: 12-15-05. She was gone, the chapter closed, but her family was left to pick up the pieces. At that moment, it became very clear to me that things are not always what they seem.
Are you feeling emotionally exhausted? Had you hoped for a different turn of event for Tina? It is always natural to feel this way when you read an intense story like this one. But if you only focus on the death of Tina, you will miss the big picture which for me is based on how we treat those we meet at our work place and our community as whole.
This was one more lesson for me to always resist the ever present temptation of pointing a finger. How about you? Did the fact that I later communicated to my colleagues the reason for Bob’s attitude change any minds? Probably not. But for me, this was a wake up call. Everyone has a story. You just have to be sensitive enough to listen and please keep fighting the temptation of a rush to judgement
To all who have lost a parent, especially young kids, may God’s Grace and comfort be with you. Until next time, take the time to count your blessings.
Lady B
LADY BERNADETTE is a DUNIA Magazine Column by Lilian Nukuna-Fomunung. Topics will range from serious subject matters such as politics to women empowerment and much more. Some topics will be controversial; others will leave you with a feeling of “I am counting my blessings”. Lady Bernadette wishes to engage her audience and provide a relaxed atmosphere as well as teach a lesson or two and help make the world a better place for someone. Don’t hesitate to leave a comment or ask questions. Enjoy.