2.2% Divorce Rate in Egypt, A Harsh Reality For Young Women
by Imane Fawzy Nofal; Twitter: @Imane2express
Divorce is a word that both intimidates and interests people in Eastern communities. While divorce statistics in Egypt are relatively low, they are also rising. According to Egypt’s Central Agency for Public Mobilisation and Statistics (CAPMAS), the country in 2012 recorded a 2.2% divorce rate (slightly up from 2011). Among my group of friends, the rise in a few years is heart-breaking.
The society regards divorce as an indelible stain of shame every woman risks carrying when deciding to take the step of ending her marriage. No man, except for very few, would accept to marry a divorced woman. Marrying a virgin woman is the goal of every Eastern man; a goal that surpasses choosing a well-minded woman. I couldn’t find a clear justification for that virgin-must rule but that society sees a woman who’s been with another man as not fit for another! Ridiculous and shameful!
The Unpleasant Reality
Although we are a society that claims to be religious, discreet and prudent by nature, behind closed doors one is faced with ugly truths and unpleasant realities of life.
Where do I start? From the husband or the woman who brought up the husband, or from the wife or the woman who brought up the wife, I fall into a tangled web where all are to blame for the shattering of the family unit. But I can clearly remember that from an early age we were fed a hadith (saying by the Prophet) allegedly attributed to Prophet Muhamed – peace be upon him – that divorce would shake the throne of Allah. Such hadith is just a mere lie and has no strong backing.
It all started a few days ago when Noureen my friend announced through a Facebook post that she was now a single parent. I stared at my laptop screen speechless, because to me, divorce is such a hard decision to make especially for young women. Another friend Fatemah immediately liked and shared Noureen’s post. My brain was now thinking fast. Did that mean that Noureen and Fatemah were both divorced? Or maybe their husbands passed away, that could be another possibility for being a single parent.
But no, unfortunately both were divorced. I have three divorced friends and many more on the verge of it. Noureen however has 13 other friends in our age group (around 28 years old) in the same predicament. “Why?” was my question!
Noureen said, “In my point of view, one can endure 1 or 2 serious problems and still continue a marital life, but I had around 5 or 6, so that was a NO.” She went on to say in light humor, “I mean you may hear about an evil mother-in-law or a bad life condition, or a financial problem, or an unemotional husband, etc … actually I had them all. Soooo LUCKY.”
F.O. gave another perspective. To her, it was much more complicated. After just 3 months of engagement, she discovered that “he only cares about sex and that was the main reason he wanted to get married. He lacks self-confidence; he has no sense of responsibility, he cares only for his [birth] family, especially his sister as he can’t do anything without her orders. He wanted to cut me off my family and friends. He depends on me in everything.”
I was reminded of T.S., another friend now divorced for a year and a half. T.S. a mother of 2 kids – a girl and a boy – was now divorced twice. Her problems started long before she even settled into her marital home. After furnishing her new house (NB she lived in a family house, whereby her mother-in-law lived on the floor below hers), cleaning the floors, laying out the rugs, decorating the tables with expensive vases and sequined mats, putting her clothes in the wardrobe and organizing the kitchen utensils, she learnt that her mother-in-law paid a secret visit to her house to snoop around her things and was further flagrantly complaining about the low quality of her kitchen ware and lingerie! Yes, she sneaked a peek at her pants (underwear) and bras!
E.A., a friend who also lives in a family house, once said to me, “mothers-in-law don’t accept that their sons have new private lives.”
Makes sense logically. The mothers are the first ones to see their sons’ bodies, they witness how their sons eat, bath, pee, poo, take their first steps, etc. But they can’t see them in bed with their wives. The dark curtain now fallen around their sons’ lives is so tempting and provoking. How come their sons are doing things in the dark without their consultation?
Where do we draw the line?
Do I sound ironic? I am not trying to be, actually. A blunt truth is that mothers allow their sons to be independent in committing sins like drinking, smoking, dating girls or even sleeping with them outside marriage. But when it comes to marriage, she always reminds him of the prophet’s – Peace Be Unto Him – hadith about the value of a mother. She simply freaks out at the thought of another woman taking her son away.
Egyptian marriage customs can be disturbing. Once the woman is married, she is considered part of her husband’s family which may seem like a good thing at first. Her husband’s family tries either gently or rudely to pull her into their circle, interfering in every aspect of her life even sexual ones.
E.N. told me, “my mother-in-law secretly whispered to me after two weeks of marriage, ‘habibty, don’t take a bath immediately after sexual intercourse, it would prevent pregnancy’ …” HUH!
But interference from a mother-in-law isn’t the sole problem in the discussion about divorce. The silence of the husband and his acceptance of all his mother’s deeds is the major problem. “She is my mother” is the answer all Egyptian ladies hear at some point in their lives.
T.S.’s hellish life though first triggered by her mother-in-law however continued for reasons that had nothing to do with the older woman. Her husband was literally abusive. He used to insult her and when she replied back, he would hit and slap her. He would afterwards call her ‘impolite’.
E.A.’s husband once told her, “can’t I insult you in peace without you calling your relatives?!”
No face and no friends are other examples of husbands’ dictatorship and controlling behaviors in the East, of which they claim to be protecting their wives and the privacy of their homes.
The Price
Lured by the white gowns, diamond rings, notions of independence from family and escaping the label of ‘spinster’, many women here rush into marriages that they see to be financially secure. Periods of engagement during which both parties involved – man and woman – seem to wear lots of ‘make-up’ that cover-up real flaws in character.
However, the fact remains for divorced women that they are divorced. For whatsoever the reasons, they have to face a society that still looks down upon divorced women.
Gh.A. had to forsake all her family inheritance inorder to have her divorce and marry her love. You know in Egyptian culture, when a father dies he passes on his fortune to his kids, so each of his children receives a sum of money. When his daughter decided to get a divorce, he deprived her. That was the dad’s condition to support her divorce case. Her daughter Mohga and son Mostafa were made to live with their father and had to face life with a cruel stepmother who sometimes deprived them of food and locked them up in their room for hours.
The lives and future of divorced women is not always easy. For Fatemah, she had to live with her parents for many reasons. She said, “Our society does not accept the idea of a divorced woman living alone. I also depend mainly on my parents in the upbringing of my child. Simply, although I don’t like living with my parents, still I can’t live alone”.
Whereas Noureen, considered lucky because she regularly receives her ‘nafqa’ (monthly sums of money a husband has to pay for his divorced woman if she had born him children) for her 5 years old daughter Mariam. She lives with her mother and is planning to have a separate life in a different flat soon. When I asked her if she could describe her life now, she replied, “Being divorced is like being married or sick or single or unemployed; it has pros and cons. I am enjoying liberty and freedom. I am open to society and more sociable.” She added, “But on the other hand, I am lonely and nostalgic to old emotions. I feel I am unsatisfied emotionally and physically.”
The truth remains that divorced women “weigh both options, but do still decide to get a divorce”.
Imane Fawzy Nofal is a translator, News Reporter, Copywriter, Editor, Proofreader (Arabic<>English) and mother of twin boys. She is an Egyptian living in Bahrain and blogs at Express It 2 Live It. Imane regularly shares her thoughts on human interactions and real life experiences through her DUNIA Mag column Express it by Imane. Imane’s first language is Arabic.
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