Oh, the jump they should do! Cross Cultural Dialogue: A mother applauding her kids’ failure
BY IMANE FAWZY NOFAL | Twitter: @Imane2express
There they stood poised to jump at the side of the pool, just a few meters away, but the distance seemed very far still. In the inner cells of the brain of the mother I am, I wondered if I would be able to get to them fast enough in case they needed help. And even though they were surrounded by other kids and their coaches, they would still need their mammy right beside them if they were drowning! And yes, even when their mammy is not a good swimmer herself!
It was their first jump into the pool, such a high jump! Oh, that silly coach, how come he was asking them to jump this high? No, it wasn’t the highest or best jumpers I was focused on today, but rather these young swimmers ready to plunge into the pool designed for beginners. In my mind, I was thinking it surely required a whole awful lot of courage for those tiny creatures, my twin boys to make this first jump.
I caught their eyes, looked down at their tiny feet; questioning every second, “Will they do it? Will they have the guts?”
I did not mind at all if they decided not to take the plunge. I was teaching them that it was OK to be afraid and express it. As a mother, I was slipping off my eastern cloak of the false knighthood we impose on males. I wanted them to be human beings, the best humans they could be. And they did it! They refused to jump! Yes. I was waiting for them to fail in the jump to prove victory of their inner judgment and feelings over outside expectations.
I was so happy that I had to hide my smile while waiting for my four year old twin boys to come over to me, for I had my mother-in-law staring at them in horror because her grandsons are such ‘cowards’. I went and whispered in her ear, “I would like that you don’t say anything about that jump”. I knew she would submit to my request at the moment, but would still seize upcoming chances to reproach them for not doing the jump. Yet I wanted to give them some peace about their decision until I figured how to face up to the attacks.
Yes, it is that hard to raise your children in an eastern society. In fact, you can’t detach yourself completely from the cultural background you have been brought up in yourself. It is easier for those whose parents have lived in the west and have become more open-minded. And unless you’re lucky to have met a partner who shares your same background with parents of the same fortune, prepare yourself for war. W A R. I mean it. Attacks and counter attacks. We call it in Egypt ‘hitting under the belt’ denoting a cold war type of thing. You will be stared at and subjected to “serious talks” about your clear madness for trying to raise your children differently. There will be flagrant interference from parents and in-laws, who either do the opposite of what you instruct for your children or implicitly direct them to that which you do not like.
Yet, mammies can’t surrender because in the inner cells of their mammy brains they don’t allow anything to interfere with their children’s future.
It boils down to the question of conformity ‘to conform or not to conform’. Complying with society’s expectations makes life easier and smoother for everyone. If kids are made to conform in childhood, their lives are not likely to be derailed by much except the usual mundane challenges and obstacles. They might sneak in to steal a piece of candy, will always keep their voices low for fear of their mother or father, or will take a jump in the swimming pool because they’ve been instructed to do so – this is the way a man should be, they’re taught. They grow up with FEAR as the dominant factor in their lives.
But it is those who were taught as children how to think for themselves and speak their minds, that make their own paths with more sturdy steps as adults. They have simply learnt that they need to do the thing when they are ready for it, not because someone is pushing them to do it.
Side monologue:
Although I try to reinforce my philosophy, it is difficult to face a whole culture of negative nurturing. And despite the fact that this is really saddening, I always say I do the best I can by giving my kids the chance to be themselves at all times. I try to minimize my personal effect on them by according them the freedom to act and make choices. I insist they express their feelings of ‘crying’, ‘screaming’ and ‘fearing’ despite the fact that I get much reproach on that; such as ‘you aren’t raising men’.
NB: The title is borrowed from doctor Suess’ ‘Oh, the places you will go’ which is one of the most amazing books written for kids. We love this book and recommend it to everyone. We love reading.
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Imane Fawzy Nofal is a translator, and mother of twin boys. She is an Egyptian who lives in Bahrain and blogs at Express It 2 Live It. Imane regularly shares her thoughts on human interactions and real life issues on DUNIA through her column Express it by Imane. Imane’s first language is Arabic.
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