Egyptian mom Imane says she will not impose choices and options on her kids
COLUMN: Express it by Imane
BY IMANE FAWZY NOFAL | Twitter: @Imane2express
My feet do not look very good in open sandals. I have a bone bulge next to my big toe which gives one the feeling of a car riding around a steep curve! And what else? My second toe is much longer than my big toe. Isn’t that catastrophic?! I had friends who had Barbie’s feet, literally, dainty and neat. They fitted in all kinds of shoes; open and closed – toed! I always just wished I was in their shoes, literally.
For years, I pretended to be satisfied with wearing closed toe shoes. But deep inside, I have always hoped to try an open sandals or slippers — and admire how my feet look in them. And so, I never quit trying on different open toe shoes, until I found sandals that fitted my feet perfectly from Birkenstock. OH, YEAH, that bulge was hidden in the cross strap, and my long toe was not poking out of the soles! I wore those sandals day and night, and I simply LOVED Birkenstock no matter how expensive their shoes were. I was on the hunt for more pairs; OPEN ones.
I can feel how bored you are now by my story and feet problems. But we are now in the middle of the story!
Here we were in the shop, I was trying on two different pairs of sandals; one on the left foot, one on the right. I was taking votes from three friends on which looked better. Non-hesitantly, all voted for the shiny pink sandal. I on the other hand, had a deep feeling of attraction and love growing for the matted pink shoe that adorned my other foot. Their opinions perplexed me. Three against one. But it was my feet! I called my husband who was in the shop next door and he did me no good – four against one regarding my feet.
It was so hard to decide when everyone thought the pair of shoes I liked were the less beautiful, and that whole brand I owed much respect to, didn’t seem that fantastic any more.
On the way home, I thought what if one of my kids were in my shoes and I was giving him my opinion?! What if at the age of 29 they cannot decide what fitted them most?! What if they were still waiting for people to tell them how good their feet were regardless of the deformities they saw in them?! What if they couldn’t see the beauty in themselves like their mom?!
Growing up, I was a very strong willed kid. My parents used to criticise my choices; calling them ‘not right’, ‘not female-like’, ‘stubborn’ and/or ‘stupid’. They gave me freedom to choose and follow my path, but with their constant criticism, I always had this feeling of being inadequate. So I had always thought I was less pretty in those pants, shoes and colours, I was less feminine in that strong tone of voice, and I wasn’t going to have a successful career if I didn’t attend their college of choice.
However, I have come to realise that this is a common parental fear. Like Debbie Pincus puts it “One of the most painful and frustrating things for parents is watching their teens make bad choices and “throw it all away”.
My parents were truly seeking to guide me. What was seen ‘best’ in their eyes was enforced in one way or another on me. I made very individualistic choices regarding my life, awaiting everyone around me to top it off with ‘yeah, you made the right choice’. “So breaking a child’s will leaves him open to the influence of others who often will not serve him. What’s more, it’s a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents.” (Laura Markham)
Seeing beauty in oneself comes from constant search for it. Believing you are pretty should be of number one importance. It is the perspective that will colour your life and choices with ‘trust’. I remember my brother’s ex-fiancée’s statement to me, ‘when you see yourself beautiful, everyone will see the same’. You are a reflection of your self-identity. You are the one who defines how people see and appreciate you no matter how ugly your feet look in those open shoes.
Unlike what my parents (whom I love and respect to the utmost) did – thinking they were pushing me forward – I will allow my kids their choices and options. I will shut my mouth and squeeze a lemon on me (an Arabic expression when one does something he extremely dislikes) when they make a wrong choice; letting them see the consequences and learning from them. I will let them choose unmatched colour to learn how to dress. I will let them fall to learn to be careful. I will let them define their own being without criticism or undermining. However I will keep advising them (not criticizing, nor forcing). As a mother, I wholeheartedly will. I hope that at the age of 28 they won’t wait for people to tell them which shoes to pick.
Imane Fawzy Nofal is a translator, News Reporter, Copywriter, Editor, Proofreader (Arabic<>English) and mother of twin boys. She is an Egyptian living in Bahrain and blogs at Express It 2 Live It. Imane regularly shares her thoughts on human interactions and real life experiences through her DUNIA Mag column Express it by Imane. Imane’s first language is Arabic.
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