Ain’t No Sunshine When Love Fails
Someone needed to hear this. I hope it makes your day better.
I wrestled with the angels about love. I asked them, “why do I fall in love so easily and hurt so much?” And they said, “It’s because you are a mortal being and you will experience hurt and pain.” They said, “your love is from heaven meaning from within. And when your love is rejected you feel as if you gave your jewels away to the swine and you want it back.” They said I should not let anyone turn my love into hate and always show love but never give my love away because I will need it one day for myself. You notice when you give people things they don’t appreciate it as if they earned it themselves. But we must live and learn and teach.
I have been with my soul mate for 2 years, and in 3 months it was over.
I heard many times that we can’t help who we fall in love with. I even said it many times to other people myself. Never thought it applied to me until I fell in love with that one that I couldn’t help.
First, I should tell you how I felt about love. In the beginning love was two people sharing affection heading in the same direction feeling free yet still being committed. Enjoying each other without being ashamed and marrying in love name. Sad to say over the years love begins to produce hate. The hate I learned later in life was a force of love.
Let me get to the ending of this love story because I don’t want to bore you long. I am a 40-ish year-old woman and I have had 3 long-term relationships. I think I loved the men in my life in the same way. It didn’t matter if we were living together or apart, they were treated as a husband. I didn’t play the girlfriend or friend after sex entered the game. I don’t mean to sound aggressive but… Anyway, March 5th 2014, I met a charming man. He had that chivalry about himself and it was sweet like honey. He had the voice of thunder and I loved to hear it roar in my ear. Especially over the phone I could feel his breath each time he spoke. Being in his arms was like being in captivity and I didn’t want to go.
We spent a lot of hot sexual nights and days together. He even wanted me to cook in the kitchen naked. He wanted to see me in all my glory constantly. We shopped together and ate dinners and breakfast together. Most of all we talked revolution together. Hell, we even talked about being without each other and how we would feel. I loved him and he loved me. We had a passion that reached above the heavens.
After a passionate night of love and holding each other all night and falling asleep on top of the world I woke up to the world on top of me. I got up that morning fixed his oatmeal with blueberries and peaches. We ate breakfast and I had sat down to work on my school catalog. I was interrupted by his quiet but heavy voice. He said to me, “Come over here and sit beside me so we can talk.” I said sure. I sat down beside him and he put his hands on my thigh and rubbed it gently and said, “I have been thinking, that we should be friends.” POW.
Right. Then asked me what I thought about it. I had to go back to mothers’ words on that one. I said with a sigh or more defeated voice, “My mother always told me that a man knows what he wants.” He said OK.
I gathered my things, with tears in my eyes, trying not to let him see me cry. So many things were going through my mind. So many things I didn’t understand how we got here. During the long walk down the stairs from his apartment to the car, I thought, does he really mean this or is he testing me? As we were driving to my home, he says, “Would you like to get something to eat?” I said to myself, to spend more time talking, no thanks, I have heard enough. I was almost ready to vomit it up. But I stopped at Burger King went through the Drive Through… and I don’t eat Burger King. I didn’t care. I just wanted to go home and cry, cry, cry, cry my eyes out.
Here the story gets rocky because I wanted my jewels back. I did not sign me or her up for a girl-friend. And as the wrath of the woman begins it produces a great hate, one that if not contained is very dangerous. I’m just speaking frankly.
As much as I have studied on universal law and order, I have come to the conclusion that there are elements that come together inside of us for our love to produce. I want to compare it to the science of E-mc2. “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.” On the most basic level, the equation says that energy and mass (matter) are interchangeable; they are different forms of the same thing. Under the right conditions, energy can become mass, and vice versa.
Just think about that while I continue my story. It was a few days that passed, and we didn’t speak to one another. Finally, I broke down, I could not take it any longer. I texted him to call me and he did. I said to him, “I don’t know what kind of woman you think I am. I am not the one that sleeps with men for the sex of it. I value my love. What kind of man are you? After sleeping all night together and you holding me in your arms like a pillow and sharing moments of ecstasy you wake up and say to me that you don’t love me.” He said, very defensively, “I never said I didn’t Love you.!” Wait. I said to myself.. I don’t have any friends that I love. I like all my friends and that is as far as it goes. So I said to him, “Saying to me that you want to be friends is saying that you like me. So, you obviously don’t know what love is.”
Then I started raving about his past relationship that he told me about where this woman practically dogged him out and surely didn’t love him as far as my definition of love tells me. I was furious. I said to him, “Look tomorrow is another day and if you can’t tell me what you really want then I am going on with my life.” But tomorrow came really quick. I woke up, looked at my phone, no call from him. I waited throughout the day, no call from him. 3 days passed and I was still in love with him and now I begin to hope he would call.
After a few more days he finally called. I said I was going to act civil and try to work through our differences of opinions. He begins telling me about this homeless couple that was staying with him for 3 days and he was helping them find somewhere to go. I sympathized with the problem and we talked about missing one another but no commitment to see each other. After we hung up, I thought about something that happened in the beginning of our relationship and I thought he could help me, if not, that was fine too. However, I thought about how generous he was being to these people and when I needed him, he told me to go to god. I went and had a talk with god, and I called him back and I said to him, “god told me to tell you that he was my savior and you are my protector and provider.”
Now I feel some type of way. But I let it pass and didn’t say anything on how I felt because I didn’t want to add to the problem. The following day, I took a trip up to the mountains just to get away. While I was there, I thought I would call him and tell him how much I loved and missed him. Being in the mountains does something to a person’s soul. It calms you and makes you feel free to express yourself.
He agreed that we felt the same, and we began to talk again, I was so happy, and we made plans to get together and have dinner when I returned. All that week I looked forward to having dinner on Friday night and being in his arms. Friday came really slow, but it was finally here. I got up that morning did my prepping and packed my bag for the weekend, and I was ready to go. He called me mid-day because he had to go out and do somethings and asked me what time I was coming, I told him around 6 or 7pm.
About 3:30 that evening he texted me to say that he had to break our date because the homeless couple had to come back. There it is. The cannon went off and I lost complete control of my mind. Everything I wanted to say I said. The first thing of course was.. “Really, you’re going to break our date because a sorry ass man can’t get a hotel room for him and his wife? HELL, when I needed you, you told me to go to god. Tell him to go to god.”
My mouth just would not shut up. I then accused him of lying and at the end of it all I told him to have a great life with his priorities. I was crushed, my body was aching from wanting to be in his arms. I was a complete mess. And on top of that, he never called. I guess he knew that I was going to explode. But I decided to leave well enough alone, before I spazzled out.
I know this sounds like a woman scorned, but I am not scorned, I am hurt and feeling the pains of being in love.
I remember we were planning what we were going to do for Valentine’s Day this year, and he knew how to make me smile with gifts, in fact he said, “I love to see you smile when you open gifts”, so I was excited for my gift. But Valentine’s Day never came for us. He did text me that day and say “Happy Valentines’ day.” I texted back and said “Thanks.”
Then later that week he called to say he had a gift for me and that he wanted to mail it to me, but little did he know I didn’t want it. The thrill of that day was gone, and it didn’t matter to me anymore.
After a couple of weeks, I sent him a text message letting him know that I could not help it if I fell in love with him. There were many reasons why I loved him, but I only had one answer and that was because I do.
It’s been 2 months now and we have not spoken since the homeless couple episode. I have begun the phase of acceptance and dealing with the fact of what’s next in my life. It is impossible to get back the love you gave and you can never stop loving a person once you have fallen in love with them. You may redirect your energy but it’s nearly impossible to stop loving. I had to learn that people love differently and the totality of love is too much for some people.
It’s not going to stop me from loving again but it does wake me up to the consciousness of how I love.
Peace and love
Seshet El
