The Power Of Pain: When It Hurts The Most, It Pays The Most
“We hardly ever learn major life and growth lessons by living a perfect life without mistakes, failure and pain.”
Many will cringe at the thought that pain can somehow be a blessing. How is it possible?
Different Types of Pain
Pain can be physical in the form of a physical injury or illness, and pain can be psychological in terms of thoughts, feelings, and the memory of past experiences such as losing a loved one, broken relationships, abuse or poor decisions made.
Which ever way all of these tend to surface in your life, there is some learning and growth potential involved. In this article we will focus more on the power of psychological pain. I however share an example on the power of pain from physical injury or illness.
A friend I know was very passionate about his service to the country, so he joined the army and was deployed to Iraq. One day while on duty, he got shot in the leg. Even I could not think of a possible learning or growth opportunity in the pain he was going through. During the next couple of months of healing, he continued to look forward to the days when he would be well enough to get out of the base into the battle field again. One day, he told his commander that he felt well enough to join his mates on the helicopter for the mission of that day. His commander declined, asking him to stay at the base just for one more day. Sad and disappointed he had no choice but to obey. A few minutes after take off, that helicopter was shot down by enemy fire; none of his mates survived.
Think about it, if his leg had not gotten shot, chances are he would have been on the helicopter on that fateful day, and needless to say, he would be history, a memory.
Growth & Learning
We hardly ever learn major life and growth lessons by living a perfect life without mistakes, failure and pain. Sometimes we tend to be too hard on ourselves when we encounter mishaps and we allow unnecessary ill feelings to set in such as depression, fear or anger. It is wise to take responsibility for our actions but not wise to dwell on the issues without finding a way forward.
There is pain which we experience as a consequence of our actions. Sometimes we experience pain from making good or bad choices. However the pain shows up, it all leads to growth and learning. When I experienced the pain of rejection from making the wrong choice of friends, I learned how to love and appreciate myself more. Did the rejection hurt? Oh yes it did, however, the pain did not last for long, I learned the lesson and have been through many other painful experiences after that. Again, it is a matter of taking responsibility, learning from the experience and moving on.
In some rare cases, folks may choose to maintain a kindergarten mind for fifty or more years refusing to learn and grow; sometimes by choice and other times due to limiting circumstances beyond their control. As much as we would all prefer to live without pain, if we chose not to learn from unfavorable situations, the event may continue to occur until the lesson is learned.
We are all products of the pain of childbirth. No one came into this world without their mother experiencing the pain of bringing them forth, which in my opinion surpasses all forms of pain. The beauty of looking at a brand new baby after hard labor makes the pain almost disappear. In many cases, the mothers go on to have a few more kids even though they know the pain that lies ahead.
If we could all learn from the experience of child birth, understanding that although we may encounter pain, the reward is always better and the pain certainly does not have to last for too long, then many people would accomplish a lot more, become more productive and more relationships would last longer; there would be less violence and life would be much more fun.
Pain Breeds Faith
When Chris and Lori Coble from my old neighborhood in Orange County, California, got a call that their 3 kids Kyle, Emma and Katie were in a car accident, their hearts were beyond broken when they were told that all 3 kids did not survive. Seeing the benefit of that pain at that time would be impossible. In their hurt, they trusted God and prayed, and also received a lot of support from their neighbors. About a year later they had triplets (2 girls and a boy). Even though they were overjoyed, that joy would never replace the memory of the kids that were gone. The new triplets were named after the other three beautiful souls they had lost.
The power of that pain lies in the fact that their faith was strengthened as well as their marriage union.
Not every story will turn out the same with the passing of a loved one but you get my point. We are all mortal bodies and we grieve loss of our loved one when they move on to some other place.
There is always a reward when we experience pain, especially when we trust that it can be turned into a lesson as we live daily through the hurt. When this same family mentioned above came on Oprah, it was the season of sharing. Oprah also shared with them, her pain from childhood of which they could relate. They had not allowed their pain to hold them back from loving and living the life of abundance that God had created for them. Was it worth 3 innocent kids dying? No and will never be. That part of the story may never really make any sense to them, but something good came out of it.
Pain does not last unless you allow it to. The reward can only be seen if you chose to look beyond it to a desired dream.
The story of Joseph in the Christian bible explains how he was hated by his own brothers and sold into slavery. As if that was not enough, he was falsely accused of trying to rape his boss’s wife and was thrown into prison. Joseph’s faith however took him from being a slave, to prisoner and then king of Egypt. When his brothers found out years later that he was king and they had to go through him to get the food they needed to survive, they feared and thought that Joseph was going to take revenge on them for what they had done many years ago. But Joseph told them, “You meant it for evil but God meant it for good.” He forgave them. If Joseph did not see pass the pain of being betrayed by his own brothers, his faith would not have led him to his final reward of king of Egypt.
The irony is that the people that cause you pain for no reason are the ones that are hurting the most. Rick Warren once said “Hurt people hurt people.” I believe that to be true. Personally, I think the pain of regret Joseph’s brothers had to live with was worse than the pain Joseph had to go through. I know someone once said, “The pain of discipline weighs ounces but the pain of regret weighs tons.”
Never Lose Hope
A lot of the pain most people experience today is in broken relationships – romantic, family and friendships. Where there was once “we” or “us”, the essential ingredient of healthy relationships that made it easier for those involved to be there for each other and love each other, sometimes progresses into “me” and “I”, metamorphosing into relationships where there is neither patience, compassion nor compromise, just desires, fantasies, manipulation.
Everyone has expectations and demands (which is not a bad thing depending on the purpose), but very few are willing to give and make sacrifices for “loved” ones. We find parents estranged from their children, brothers and sisters who do not see eye to eye, and so called friends who gossip about and hurt each other. Many try to numb the pain by acquiring material possessions, or indulging in alcohol, sex or drugs and it gets worse every passing day.
Many folks in romantic relationships want to be loved and so create a fantasy for what their ideal love ought to be. They have no plans to give that same love to the other or even have no idea how to love themselves the way they expect to be loved by someone else. How can you expect someone to give you what you cannot give yourself? So in effect, they don’t get what they wish for and they blame their partners.
The most painful experiences in many romantic relationships is simply WANT. Less wanting, more patience, more giving, more compromise will yield less pain. I know it is easier said than done but I also know that anything practiced over time becomes a habit. I believe that relationships that have lasted as long as 30, 40, 50 or even 60 years have not been without pain. My parents have been married for 43 years and I know without a doubt that there have been some painful days and some wonderful ones as well.
When we lose hope and bury our dreams in the bubble of quick fixes, identity problems, power struggles and the like, we lose sight of the possibilities that have been given for us to create and experience the abundance and happiness we were meant to have. Instead we laugh at those who are resilient in the face of pain and adversity.
I was intrigued when I read articles and comments about Oprah’s new network OWN. Some say it is not as successful as her shows. Others say the content on OWN is not as powerful as the show, so they conclude that OWN has or will fail and her business is going down to shreds. I say give her time. People like Oprah who have come from a story of pain to the highest heights of both material and emotional abundance have learned how to be patient during tough times because they know that rewards are sure to follow; she is able to give of herself and her wealth because she has known what it is like to lack and then be able to work hard and achieve your goals. She will not be broken by little painful setbacks on a new and bigger venture. Even Oprah faces challenges and goes through physical and physiological pain of loss. It is the only way you can see what needs to be done right and apply yourself, then and only then will great results be achieved and you can be glad that there was a broken or painful moment that directed you to create the picture in your wildest dreams.
How to look beyond pain and see a better outcome
When you learn to look into the future and visualize a dream, regardless of what is happening in your life today – sunshine or rain, pain or sorrow, highs or lows – and keep your eye on the price, knowing it is all a part of the journey to get to your destination, the pain doesn’t seem so bad. Pain no matter how it feels or where it hurts is not a validation of how unfortunate you are but it is an invisible arrow directing you to a path of growth towards your designated purpose.
Often times, people ignore that sign and take a different direction toward misery and compromise. The good news is that, as long as there is still life in you, there is always a way out. When pain comes do not ignore the hurt and most importantly, do not ignore the signal to growth and possibilities presented to you.
In order to experience the power of pain, all the right forces must be in harmony – FAITH, HOPE, LOVE AND ACTION. Your philosophy of pain must be able to help you see pass your current situation to a better place that is bigger than pain.
Challenges come in different forms, like a mother at childbirth, an exercise routine to lose weight and stay healthy, mending a broken relationship, dealing with a rebellious child, studying for an exam, building a business, caring for a handicapped child or dealing with a life threatening disease. We cannot escape from one or all of these. They may all happen at once or at different times … but today, I challenge you to see beyond the pain into the horizon, while hoping for better days ahead as we grow to become more resilient, passionate and productive.
(First published in DUNIA Print Magazine, issue 8)
