Back to the Basics of Building Lasting and Healthy Relationships

By Sharon Fonge

I always feel so much joy when I talk to older couples who have been married for many years about how they’ve made it work. I have had this discussion with couples who have been together for 20, 30 and more years. I believe that we can all learn a thing or two from them.

A couple now married for 51 years had this to share with me a few months ago: “You see, yours is a microwave generation. You guys do not invest enough time to build your relationships based on love. You’re always too busy chasing after material wealth, investing your emotions and time in all the wrong places and things. Women think they don’t need men; to them, sleeping around with different men on different nights makes their lives interesting. Some men on the other hand, think women are just too needy or are such nags that having different women all the time for various reasons and occasions makes them so slick that other men envy them. Nobody wants to commit anymore. Some young folks have such misdirected priorities.” Then she added, “Let me ask you this. When it’s all said and done; and you have to give an account on how you spent your time here on the earth, what would you say? What example are you going to leave behind as a legacy for the younger generation watching and looking up to you?”

She had my complete attention by this time. Interesting! The lady went on to say, “Truth be told our marriage has never been a bed of roses. We have had our fair share of ups and downs. There were times when we both hurt each other so badly that we wanted to throw in the towel and walk away. But whenever I think about our times together as a couple through the good and bad times, this question always comes to mind: is the grass going to be greener on the other side? At this point, I always go back to basics, to a scripture we both always read together during our anniversary. 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 which reads, ‘4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres’.”

In my writings with DUNIA, I will be sharing thought provoking articles on love and marriage … and also finances (which is my professional background), all in the hope of triggering some soul-searching, and re-examination of the foundations of our relationships and marriages, especially about aspects we may need to rectify as we strive to build long lasting unions.

Remember that it is not about what you’re getting out of it, but what you are willing to give. It’s not about how badly you’ve been hurt, but how best you can turn an unpleasant situation into a joyful one. Allow me to provoke your thought processes a little. Think long and hard about what the elderly couple had to share above, take a look at the scriptures they go back to each time they hit a bump, then ask yourself, “Is there something to learn from what this lady has shared or not?” Remember that when it comes to nurturing relationships, every piece of advice is never a waste of time, we can’t reap happy if we do not spend time and effort sowing happy.

How about younger friends of yours who look up to you for guidance, what relationship advice would you give them if they asked? Could they trust you because you live by example or would they just do as you do and end up in pain?

Please feel free to comment, ask questions and make suggestions. No one is perfect, or has it all figured it out, but together we can learn how to add positive value to our relationships one day at a time.

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