Is the Image of Africa a Reflection of the African Woman? 4 Common Abuses She Suffers At Home

Twitter: @LemaNsah

African woman

With the rising tide of violence around the world – new wars erupting every day, rampant killings and bombings, one has to wonder what’s going on. Why is there an increase in the number of human beings killing each other when one would think that as we evolve in the 21st century, healthy competition in a globalizing economy would lead to a better understanding between people?

As DUNIA Magazine’s Women Are The Core initiative on empowering women and raising awareness reaches more and more women, we’re meeting many who’re silently struggling under the weight of personal relationship struggles. African women are generally hardworking and resilient, but have for many decades been at the receiving end of unfavorable customs and traditions such as forced marriages, child marriages, genital mutilation, and more that hold them back.

Africa so very gifted and richly endowed with natural resources, seems to be making economic progress, but much still needs to be done in advancing the rights of women.

Lately, I have found myself wondering, is the image of the African continent the face of the African woman? Could the root cause of some of the dysfunction – such as widespread poverty and war in some areas – that we continue to face as a people be traced back to the home? What happens in societies where women are dismissed, forced to fit into certain molds and seldom allowed to blossom into their full potential? Aren’t such societies held back due to important missing components that only she is capable of bringing to the table? Don’t these communities stall? Isn’t that why allowing women basic freedoms and respecting her human rights is an important factor of progress in societies that have moved from the dark ages into civilized times?

What leads some African men – educated, seemingly cultured and well spoken to inflict mean abusive behaviors on their spouses behind closed doors? Is it because our culture fans the flames of abuse and makes it OK for women to be treated like commodities and property instead of being respected as human beings? What is it that allows us to strip our women and girls of their dignity? Why are they treated like objects with no feelings, and easily dismissed as “no-bodies”?

A close look at the core cultural make-up of Africans leads to these 4 common abuses that African women and girls are subjected to:

1 – Beatings. Most African men believe that beating a woman establishes their authority. Most women have suffered some kind of beating at the hands of their partners – whether kicks, slaps, punches, beatings with belts, etc. According to figures released by South African Deputy President Kgalema Motlanth in 2012, 90% of South African women have experienced emotional and physical abuse; 71% have experienced sexual abuse.

These numbers are not reflective of South Africa alone, I believe them to reflect the demise of African women in general. Physical abuse is prevalent both on the continent and in the diaspora. This is mainly because women are expected to be well behaved and well mannered. When the man perceives her behavior to not be in line with “his expectations”, he takes it upon himself to discipline her, after-all, most African customs and traditions regard the wife as belonging to the husband.

“We women are born to suffer, so we accept the situation like that. This is the way it is in Africa,” said 26 year old Mariam Toure from Ivory Coast to The Guardian. “There is violence against women because when they don’t behave well, the husband can beat her. If the woman does not behave well and she is conscious that what she does is wrong, she HAS to apologise.”

The need to dominate and control the home primarily drives African men into abusive behaviors. The culture expects them to have authority over their wives; hence they find it hard to refrain from physically assaulting her “if need be”. The lack of respect for women and their feelings is deep rooted in most Africans’ psychs … including some women themselves who have grown up to believe that they are not worthy of anything better.

A recent conversation with a man of God who counsels African couples revealed that in most troubled marriages, the men complain of not being respected by their wives. And ‘not being respected’ means: a woman voices an opinion; tries to express feelings, and concerns; reacts to being mistreated. The African man who considers himself the king is not particularly wired to be considerate of how she feels, why she’s unhappy, or even what she’s saying. He is very quick to shift into the gear of setting her straight … and hence abuse (whether physical, emotional, verbal) permeates relationships.

Most men (especially those raised under strong cultural codes) have to be taught to think about and approach relationships differently.

2 – Public humiliation. In patriarchal societies such as those Africans mostly come from, girls are commonly raised to become good housewives and responsible mothers. Women and girls who do not behave themselves properly are commonly subjected to public humiliation. When “crimes” which range from petty thefts (stealing) to pre-marital sex and adultery are committed by girls, public humiliation is a commonly used form of punishment (such ignorance is sadly lauded and cheered by other females). Whether at the village square, in her parents’ compound, at the school general assembly, more girls than boys continue to be subjected to humiliating experiences for all eyes to behold.

Parents (especially mothers who know no better) are often the ones inflicting the punishment on their children. Common is the pouring of ground hot pepper into a girl’s private parts as punishment for sexual promiscuity; the stripping off of her clothes and parading her around the neighborhood naked for stealing, public lashings and beating as a consequence of stubbornness.

So when men grow up witnessing such behavior, they turn around and punch their wives in public, insulting and humiliating them infront of others as a way of “teaching her a lesson”.

3 – Skin Bleaching. Behave a certain way, look a certain way … is the general message instilled in young African girls growing up. The spike in the number of Africans who’re bleaching their skin to look whiter is an indication of this. In an article I recently came across entitled ‘Skin bleaching widespread in South Sudan despite the risks‘, Poni Gune Shamera agrees that “there’s social pressure to use the skin creams, saying that it was hard to get a husband without lighter skin.”

Hardworking, financially stable husbands are not so easy to come by. For most African girls living in poverty, economics comes into play as they scramble for men, determined to do whatever it takes. An indication that not love, but survival and ‘image’ are behind most marriages. Girls are hence pressured into fitting into certain molds of attractiveness to please men. Skin bleaching is one of those.

4 – Verbal abuse. Children live what they see, they speak what they hear. Most Africans grow up in strict disciplined homes, where there’s no shortage of stern verbage. Common names children are called growing up include, “you stupid fool”, “you good for nothing child”, “idiot”, “bastard”, “useless thing”, etc. Such harsh language is carried with them into adulthood, becoming weapons against their spouses.

Verbal abuse is one of the most painful forms of abuse. In African homes, when partners become frustrated with each other, insults fly. Women are called bitches, sluts, witches, and all sorts of degrading names under the sun. One may argue that women insult men too, but in my opinion, the woman’s insults are often mitigated by her respect for the man, and fear of being physically attacked if she insults back. Hence, victims of verbal abuse tend to live in silence.

A University of Nebraska publication entitled ‘When Words Are Used As Weapons: Verbal Abuse’ sites a 2006 study conducted on women in rural areas by Bosch and Bergen. It reveals that “emotional abuse, which includes verbal abuse, was endured by 100 percent of women living with a physically abusive partner. When verbal combat leads to physical assault, men have the distinct advantage because men are usually stronger than women and often inflict physical harm…. One woman who was verbally abused reported that the soul dies a slow death. Those who are verbally abused often think they are at fault and may have caused the abuse. Some even believe the terrible things said about them.”

A Vicious cycle. Even more disturbing is the cycle in which kids are being raised. Studies show that girls who grow up in abusive homes are likely to end up in abusive relationships (because they subconsciously believe that abuse is normal) and boys who grow up with abusive fathers are most likely to repeat such behaviors. If such behaviors continue to trickle down to our children, where do we stop the downward spiral?

In conclusion, please permit me to digress a little bit from traditional African customs to modern teachings. At the core of abuse in relationships in which both partners are educated, is the christian biblical belief that women are supposed to be submissive to their husbands. But hardly ever mentioned is the teaching that men are commanded to love their wives. Isn’t it time for husbands to understand that love is kind … It does not dishonor others … Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth … Love always protects. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Today, parts of the African continent are in a state of turmoil – Africans fighting against Africans. Black on black crime is at an all time high in the United States. We must stop as a people and reflect on what triggers the need in us to dominate and control, to the extent that we no longer have empathy and would hurt and damage each other just to “win” an argument or prove a point… and the home may just be the perfect place to start such self-examination.

Lema Abeng-Nsah’s website: lemaabeng.com

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